Clean Short Jokes, Funny One Line Jokes by Clean Jokes

Clean Short Jokes, Funny One Line Jokes

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will RogersWhen I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few ...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

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Laugh with confidence

How to Get Into Heaven

A man dies and mets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says to the man, "Here's how it works. You need to have one hundred points to get into heaven. You tell me about all the good things you've done. They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one hundred or more, you can come in."

"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years. I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."

"That's great," says St. Peter. "That'll be two points."

"Hmmm," says the man. "This is going to be harder than I thought. Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."

"Wonderful," says St. Peter, "That's worth another point."

"One point!" says the man. "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years. I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared Jesus with them."

"Wow!" says St. Peter. "That's another two points!"

"Only two points!" says the man. "At this rate, it'll be only by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's one hundred points! Come on in."

Late for Class

A little girl, dresses in her "Sunday best" was late and running to her Sunday school class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear God, please don't let me be late. Dear God, please don't let me be late." Then she fell.

She got up, dusted her self off and saw that her dress was now dirty and had a little tear. She started running again, still praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late." But this time she added, "But please don't push me, either!"

this joke is from jokeclean =)

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